How it all came to Be....1

Today was a good day. I didn't cut. I didn't binge, purge, or starve. It was a good day. And yet I hated today. I hated today because I didn't cut. I didn't binge, purge, or starve. Now I feel full, fat, and disgusting. I feel like I've got the worries, and struggles of the day built up inside me. I didn't have much chance to "relieve" myself in any way today. I was with people all day. I had lunch with TJ, a guy I'm sort of dating. Then I went back home and spent the rest of the evening with family. And see the thing is, even though in some people's eyes today would be an accomplishment, in my eyes, today was a complete failure. Nothing was accomplished today. I feel like it was senseless to have woken up this morning. And right now my stomach hurts so bad that I feel like thrusting a knife into it. It's been hours since I've eaten and still it's just miserable. I already know that I can get through a day without throwing my guts up, but I don't want to. If it didn't hurt so bad then maybe it would be different but it does.
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When I first began binging and purging I thought I would do it only until I lost a few pounds. People had started to notice that I wasn't ever eating so I figured, hey, I'll do this until I get down to 110 pounds. I was 16. I was 16 years old and weighed 120 pounds. I felt at 5 feet tall that was way too overweight for me. I knew exactly what anorexia and bulimia were and I thought that I would be careful. I thought that the only reason girls with those diseases got them was because they were too weak and couldn't handle it. Boy, was I wrong! It didn't take but only a few days of doing it to become hooked. I didn't even realize I was in it for the long hall until a couple of weeks later when I tried to eat "normally" and keep it down, and I couldn't do it. At first I felt guilty for eating so much when I was doing so well on my wonderful new diet, then my stomach began to really ache. It hurt so much that I locked myself in the bathroom and didn't come out for about two hours. I wanted to make sure there was nothing left to make me miserable.
So as time went by, purging just became a part of my everyday routine. I did it for about 6 months, then one day a girl I knew was sent away. Her parents found out that she had bulimia, but was using laxatives instead of throwing up. And I knew that if my mom found out she would probably do the same, she would send me away. So as bad as it hurt, I sucked it up and dealt with the pain and discomfort. It was then that I found the knife....

"To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:"

We all know this particular passage of scripture. It's in songs and poems. Our parents and grandparents would quote it to us when we were being just a bit impatient. The trouble that I'm having lately is trying to figure out how to survive this... "season" that I'm in. I'm not 20 years old yet and I have already been through things that will haunt my dreams for the rest of my life. And I do know that there are so many people who are going through things that I couldn't even imagine. Still, it's hard to think of the pain that other's are going through when you're hurting so much on the inside, is it not? When you have so much pain built up that you just need something, or some way to relieve it. Something to take your mind off of whatever it is that is troubling you, no matter how insignificant it may seem to someone else. The truth is, everyone has pain. It's how they deal with it that counts.
My world is one that contains many secrets. Some of my secrets are known to a few people, and only the people who cared enough to pay attention, but not all of them. I live a life inhabited by eating disorders, self injury, and self loathing. I'm not looking for sympathy, although to be honest, sometimes having others feel for you and sympathize with you can be quite comforting. I just want to share my everyday struggles and feelings in hopes of finding some kind of peace within myself to get through the day and to maybe learn something about myself. I'm going to post about how I came to be who and what I am. How my "seasons" go back and forth from bright and beautiful to dark and depressing. And hopefully I'll get some feedback, whether positive or negative. So all that being said, I look forward to sharing with everyone!
~Courtney~